Lost and Found; a Scatological love story.

I have a friend and for the purposes of this story, and others to come, we shall call him Bob just in case he is ever elected President or should have children that stumble across this story at a later date.

Bob was an assistant manager of a strip club. He loved the job for many, many reasons.

Bob had a customer that was a wealthy, attractive, professional woman. She frequented his business establishment because she was bi-sexual and Bob was her inside contact as to which girls were bi, and also would be willing to go home with her in exchange for a sir charge.

One night she was in and looking for a companion and was striking out with no potentials and she asked Bob if he would go home with her instead. Bob said no that he was tired and that he just wanted to go home. She persisted, and told Bob that it would just be for after-hours drinks and nothing more. After an hour of playful begging Bob finally agreed, but laid ground rules that it would just be for drinks. A pact was struck and plans were made.

Bob met her at her lavish upscale apartment after work and she brought out a good bottle of Champagne and they began to drink and talk about various and sundry things, while the first, the second, then the third bottle of Champagne were emptied. Interspaced between the Champagne were shots of vodka.

I believe the quote, as issued to me, was that "after all the drinking, we were in the middle of her living room floor doing it like animals." This goes on for awhile when she reaches over to a table in the living room, opens the door on it and brings out a smallish dildo/vibrator combo and requests Bob to reach around and push this into her arse (my choice of words) while they are doing it like animals. Bob takes the dildo and turns it on and immediately realizes that it has a short or another electrical problem as it runs for a couple of seconds, then cuts off for a bit, then comes back on. Bob shrugs his shoulders and begins to put it to its intended purpose. After a time Bob is having trouble with all of his duties and, as his is very drunk, loses track of the dildo. They carry on for some time until they are done and then roll apart and begin to try and catch their breath and recover their senses, when she asked the question, "Bob, where is the dildo?"

"I think I dropped it, so it must be around here somewhere.", Bob hesitantly answered. Well, long story short, he had not dropped it, but he had let go, and it had gone, all the way in.

She jumped up and went into the bathroom where she spent some time trying to retrieve it. After a time, she realized that she was not going to be able to get it out herself, so she came back out into the living room and told Bob that HE was going to have to give it a go and try to get it out, to which he simply answered, "Excuse me?" Some negotiation went on and finally Bob agreed to give it a go. So, doing his best proctologist impression Bob gave his top effort, but was unable to get the dildo out.

During the whole process the short in the dildo is causing it to turn off and on. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Silence. Bzzzzzzzzzz Silence. Bob is finding this very unnerving and some how it is adding to the pressure, even though at this time it is muffled.

They sit and talk and think for a bit and she says to Bob, "you are going to have to take me to the hospital." Bob has visions of taking this public and is not happy with it. He asked if there are no other solutions, and she says she has a friend that lives close that might be able to help. She makes a phone call and the friend on the other end of the line agrees to come over, even though it is almost 4am, and says they will be there soon.

They sit and wait for the friend and have what is a fairly awkward session of small talk. Shortly the friend arrives, a very hot brunette, and they disappear into the bedroom. Twenty minutes later they emerge and admit defeat. She again tells Bob that he is going to have to take her to the hospital and further negotiations ensue. Bob eventually acquiesces. They load up in her car and drive to the hospital, all along the siren song of the dildo goes on. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Silence. Bzzzzzzzzzz Silence.

Shortly they arrive at the hospital and the time is pushing 5:30am. The dildo has been singing its song the entire way.

As they come into the emergency room she hands her insurance card and ID to Bob and tells him to check her in, and that she is going to the bathroom to give it one more try. "Uhhh ok.", Bob replies and steps up to the counter. Behind the counter sits and extremely gorgeous, young, nubile, blonde haired, blue eyed female nurse. Normally in this situation Bob would be trying to work out the best way to get her phone number, but in this time this is a worst case scenario, as he is now faced with telling her that he has brought in a woman he barely knows to the hospital because she has a dildo stuck in her ass and her, him and some other girl he had never met before all failed horribly at retrieving it.

"I need to speak to a male nurse or a male doctor."

"I am sorry, but we do not have a male nurse here at the moment and I am the intake nurse, so just tell me the nature of the problem I will get the paperwork started so that a doctor can see you."

"We could stand here until hell freezes over and I dont think I could ever force the words to come out of my mouth. Please can I speak to a male doctor? "

"That isnt possible sir. I have seen and heard it all, so just tell me the nature of the problem and we can get the process started."

"I am sure you have, and normally I would love to hear those words come out of your mouth, but in this case I just cant. Is there anyway I could please speak to a guy? I dont care if it is the janitor, and then he can tell you, but I just dont think I can."

Then the clouds part, the Gods grant Bob favor and a deus ex machina moment worthy of a Greek tragedy happens. She walks up behind him and places her hand on Bobs shoulder and whispers into his ear, It is ok. I got it out, and it is in my purse.

"Never mind. Got to go.", Bob stutters to the nurse, spins on his heals and heads for the door.

"Wow that was close.", says bob.

"Yes it was. Want to get something to eat?"

"I could really go for some pancakes. Lets go to IHOP"